ME

I am feeling selfish today. 

There.  I wrote it out loud.

I have discovered in the last 3 months that sometimes the "easy" days are harder than the hard days. 

Today is perfectly fine.  There is no crisis.  Everyone is healthy and happy and it is sunny outside and....and....I am foul! I am crabby and foul.

How is this possible?  I think it's because the scary days, the rough days, the hard days require EVERYTHING.  They require all of my energy and focus and attention and prayer and thought.  The hard days require all of the best that I am.

The easy days, the days like today, give me time.  Time and the ability to relax evidently lead me to all sorts of chaos.  It allows all of the yuckiness that is sometimes ME to fully surface and roll around and enjoy itself. 

Today it has led to me being selfish.  Pure and simple. 

So....if you prefer to think of me as someone who is all sweetness and light...look away.  It's for your own good.  And probably for mine as well.  I am sure that tomorrow I will be back to normal (a good and fine normal, God willing) and I will regret writing all of this down for the world to see.  But, I also feel like it's ok to let my children know that I KNOW I am not a perfect mother.  I know that I had days that I wish I had done things differently.  I will never be one of those people who go through stuff and afterwards (or during it) people they know say, "She never complained.  Not once.  She was always encouraging and uplifting and practically perfect in every way".  Yikes. People like that scare me a little.  They are either cyborg's or they are in denial or they are bottling everything up so tight that somewhere, someday they are going to POP and it's going to be messy!

So, maybe that makes today my "let a little of the messy out in small doses that are easy to clean up" day.

OK....I warned you.....

Last chance to look away....

Alright...you asked for it...

I am tired of poop.  I'm tired of being covered in poop.  I am tired of my hands smelling like poop.  ( And this is all SO PATHETIC because it's not like anything going on in my life is MY PROBLEM anyways!!  It's Titus' stuff!!  He's the one going through hospital stays and surgeries and irrigations 4x's a day and dialations and pain and discomfort.....NOT ME!!!...and he is quite honestly still the most delightful, happy, smiley, "EASY" baby ever!....ugh...now I despise myself all the more....)

I'm tired of feeling trapped.  Four times a day we need to do irrigations on Titus and it is messy.  MESSY.  It isn't something that can be done in a car (I will probably need to figure out how to do this for my own long-term sanity...but, so far I haven't figured it out).  It couldn't be done in a restroom - I'd be arrested, I'm certain.  So...it makes going anywhere for the day nearly impossible. 

I want to go shopping.  By myself.  With lots of money.  All day.  Somewhere that isn't here.

I want to eat whatever I want.  By myself.  Food made by someone who isn't me.

I want to sleep.  I want to sleep alot.  Lay down.  Fall asleep.  Not wake up until I wake up on my own.  Then I want to take another nap just for funsies.

I want to go for a run.  And be able to run for a long time.  I am getting better at running... I can run 25 minutes without stopping (today was supposed to be 28 minutes for the first time but LIFE this morning with our family didn't allow that to happen....which, truth be told, is probably the reason that this whole crabby-spew is happening in the first place!!).  Anyways....I want to go running...and not have to hurry and finish up and get out of the shower still sweating.

OK.  I think that's all.

Now I can be delightful again.  ;)

After I get some tea.

And now I have 22 minutes until Isaac is home from school, Lydia comes down from her "quiet time" and I am ON again.

.....EXHALE.....

I'm better.